Shitty funny life (2/3)

If you liked the first extract of Frankie Boyle's book you'll probably have realised that he's a bit mean on his humour... For a kid with a problematic childhood like me that's just awesome. So, if you came back for me, here it is:

• [While describing his experience as school teacher in Edinburgh] There were only a couple of kids who were really unbearable. I sat them together so that if I felt the need to fart I could walk casually by their table. Kids never really think of teachers as farting, so they'd go absolutely nuts at each other.
• The brace position they ask you to take up in the event of a crash [of a plane] (head between knees) is actually designed so that your teeth will stay with your corpse and they can identify the body. I reckon that if you time it just right at the moment of impact you can probably spit all your teeth into someone else's lap, messing things up for everybody.
• Those who tell you there's no such thing as a good way to die are people who have clearly never heard the phrase "drug-fuelled sex heart attack". On a plane going down you'd fuck anything. [...] That's why they never released the black boxes from 9/11. It's probably nothing but sex groans and the occasional "Blow this tower, Mustapha!".
• "Hello madam! I've always loved people who have the ability to do make-up in the car. Did you hit a couple of speed-bumps?" [...] "Don't worry madam. One day you'll meet a man who'll love you for what you are. Forty".
• Eventually, we ordered a pizza and watched a movie. It was A Perfect Storm, that George Clooney tuna movie. It says a lot about that film that even high on ecstasy, eating pizza beside a beautiful woman I was going to fuck before and afterwards, it was still shit. I hope they use that sentence as a quote on the DVD box.
• "I have a thought about sexual politics. Why is it that when I find a vibrator in my girlfriend's drawer, she's liberated? Yet when she looks in the chest that I keep under my bed and finds an artificial vagina, I'm a pervert? So what if it is a dog's vagina that I keep alive with batteries."
• Of course, we've all fantasised about our own funeral, wondering how sad everybody we know will be, having that girl we always loved turning up distraught, leaping from the coffin as a zombie and becoming Ground Zero for the death of humanity. Wendy Richard was buried in an eco-friendly coffin woven from bamboo. I'm planning on doing the same as that's how I'd like to go. Ripped apart by ravenous pandas.
• You know what makes ideas great? Cocaine. If they sold it with your popcorn this shit would make a lot more sense to you. Wesley Snipes was so desperate to be famous he allowed us to make him black. And call him Wesley. Thanks for eating my ass, Wo-Ling-Ho.
• I get some of my best ideas during heart attacks. You think you've lived? Unless you've had a heart attack inside Uma Thurman's ass, you've never lived.
• [During an interview] What's your favourite Star Wars character, and why? C-3PO, although I hate it when he rapes those student nurses. Often, when I talk about this to friends, we wonder if it was actually Star Wars that I watched.

And get ready, the coup de grace is still to come.