Shitty funny life (1/3)

I recently finished the Frankie Boyle's biography "My shit life so far", one of the funniest things I've ever read. For those of you who haven't heard of him Frankie is one of the most famous stand-up comedians in the UK, albeit a rather controversial one. His jokes many times go beyond the line of the politically correct, far beyond, and yet, that might be the reason he's so great. I was going to present you with my favourite extracts from the book, but I realised it was so long that I'll have to split it in three parts. Here's the first bit, I'm sure this will prompt you to go to YouTube and look for his videos:

• You can tell what class you are by this simple test. There's a fox in your back garden. You're upper class if you get on a horse and chase it with a pack of hounds. You're middle class if you make your children draw a picture of it to send into Blue Peter. You're working class if you beat it to death with a shovel and make soup out of it.
• Lust if a big part of most men's personality. They just tend to make a point of denying it, so they can get more sex.
• I think there is a lot that we don't understand about our sex drives. Scientists have discovered that apes will exchange meat for sex. And by scientists I mean a clinically depressed butcher going through a rather messy divorce.
• The Church of England service is incredibly similar to the Catholic one, whit the same fruity robes and hats. I can't understand the Anglican Church being so down on homosexuality. If you don't like gays, stop acting so gay.
• Have you seen the YouTube video of the protestor being assaulted by the police officers [at the G20 demonstration in London]? It's like a deleted scene from The Lord of the Rigns. I keep expecting the camera to pan up to show the burning eye of Sauron glowing above the Bank of England. Eyewitnesses say she was definitely provoking the officer before she was assaulted. She's lucky she wasn't totally innocent otherwise she'd have gotten seven bullets in the head. The police officer hit her with a baton after she shouted "I'm a woman!" at him. It's almost as if he thought she was reminding him - "Oh yes, the small ones, they have weak legs, thanks for the tip". These were the officers most highly trained to deal with incidents like this What the hell were the untrained ones doing? Headbutting clergymen? [...] That whole scandal made me angry. The internet's got so many clips of policemen beating people up, it's a nightmare finding any porn.
• Once I woke up in Tommy and Jane's and found that I couldn't see. Eventually, I realised that this was because I wasn't wearing my glasses. I had a tribal memory of vomiting out of a window, so I looked out of the window in the living room. There, two floors below, my glasses stood face-up in a puddle of vomit being eaten by a seagull. That served as a sort of wake-up call and five years later I quit.

That's enough for today, stay tuned.